APJ Abdul Kalam : Connecting "Technology" and "Culture".

APJ Abdul Kalam : Connecting "Technology" and "Culture". 

The very name of APJ Abdul Kalam conjures respect, admiration, affection and awe. He was the Missile Man of India who became the Supreme Commander of the armed forces as the 11th President of India from 2002 to 2007. Technology may be his second name but his personality is strongly embedded in culture. He represented India in its true spirit. 

The son of a Muslim boat-maker from a small village in Rameswaram, he had humble moorings, and was inspired by the ideologies and philosophy of his father, which gave depth to his character. He gives full credit to his parents for instilling him with values which helped him face all the adversities of life.  He did not hesitate to undertake tasks like newspaper vending from the tender age of eight to support his family.  

The practical lessons of his school teacher Siva Subramania Iyer kindled his fascination for flying. His path to success begins with his degree in Aeronautical Engineering from Madras Institute of Technology which was made possible by his sister Zohra who pawned her jewellery for his education.  He made excellent use of all opportunities to rise to the highest office in the country because he believed that all may not have equal talent but all of us have an equal opportunity to develop our talents. 

The friendship of his father, an imam, Pakshi Lakshmana Sastrigal, the Tamil priest, and Father Bodal kindled his spirituality. He said that if people respect each other's faith and beliefs and their right to hold them there would be no room for conflicts. He therefore emphasized that along with academic and scientific training, spiritual training should be imparted in schools. Values must be instilled in children only then could become virtuous adults. As can be seen, his education in the field of the sciences was strongly informed by his cultural context. This in turn is visible in the ideas he imparted about education, as reflected in the following quote:  

“Inquiry, creativity, technology, an entrepreneurial mind set and moral leadership are the five attributed to be cultivated throughout the education process to create ‘autonomous learners’”  

Kalam’s statement suggests that technological learning must be accompanied by both, the spirit of scientific and artistic enquiry, and values required for leadership. This link between availability of technology and cultural learning is also accompanied by a focus on use-value and accessibility, as suggested by the mention of an “entrepreneurial mindset”. Kalam believed that education gives knowledge but righteousness gave beauty to character, which led to harmony in the home, order in the nation and peace in the world. Again, the link between technological know-how and shaping character is clearly visible.  

Kalam had the great opportunity and honour of working with three scientific establishments— Space, Defence Research and Atomic Energy. He observed that scientists and technologists were dreamers, but were also never afraid of failures during their missions because they adapted themselves with better technology to succeed eventually. He showed exemplary courage each time he failed whether in his admission into the air force or at the failure of RATO system. He felt that joy and sadness are a part of life and had to be handled with maturity. Indians suffer unnecessary misery all their lives because they do not know how to manage their emotions. The link between technological adaptation and resilience is of particular significance here. The possibility of scientific progress here is linked with having the mental fortitude to work through failure. What is also important is the focus on emotions, and the suggestion that effort in the technological field requires honest self-reflection on emotional and mental health. As suggested earlier, his model of education is holistic, focused on scientific progress, creating a culture which develops character, and focused on wellbeing. 

Kalam’s mentorship with Vikram Sarabhai and support from Dr. Brahmbhatt or Prof. Satish Dhawan gave him wings to fly. He launched the SLV 3 and took India to the Space Club. The various missiles like Agni, Prithvi and Nag made him worthy of Padma Vibhushan. This led to envy among a few but Kalam continued undeterredly and became the Scientific Advisor to the Defence Minister. The title of Bharat Ratna befitted his stature for he soon conducted the nuclear tests at Pokharan II under trying circumstances. Success was always credited to his team while he shouldered the responsibility of the failures.   

In his book “Transcendence”, Kalam acknowledged that the struggle between happiness and unhappiness that had so far been the story of human existence and the struggle between peace and war that had been the history of the human race must change. The power that would lead us to eternal victory amid these struggles is the power of good within us. We had to overgrow our egos and be selfless. It was his faith in God coupled with his imagination which gave him the strength. No wonder he constantly spoke to teachers and parents to ensure that their children used their imagination. He interacted with students and children and inspired them to dream, aspire and have a vision as these were the keys to a successful life. 

His books have been a source of inspiration. Kalam’s writings demonstrate how he made sure that his learnings from the field of science and governance entered the cultural sphere. His sustained efforts to converse with both students and teachers show that he was particularly concerned with how the culture of education in India was shaped.  

Kalam’s vision of India 2020 identified five areas of progress: agriculture and food processing aimed at doubling the present production; infrastructure with reliable electric power providing urban amenities to rural areas and increasing solar power operations; education and health care directed towards illiteracy, social security and overall health for the population; information and communication technology for increased e-governance to promote education in remote areas, telecommunication and telemedicine; and critical technologies and strategic industries, particularly the growth of nuclear technology, space technology and defence technology.  

  

While on the one hand he was fully well versed with technology on the other hand he  

was rooted in both the cultural values he grew up with, as well as the present cultural context which he actively worked on. He followed Gandhi when he said that one must not lose faith in humanity as it is an ocean, a few drops of dirt did not make it dirty. He believed in the value of institutions and felt that India’s ancient civilisation survived because of its institutions like family, schools, colleges etc. His knowledge of Gita was remarkable and he has given the crux in his book, “The Guiding Souls”: 

“Kurkshetra is within you. The battle is raging within. Ignorance is Dhritrashtra; the individual soul is Arjuna; the in-dweller of your heart is Krishna, the charioteer; the body is the chariot; the senses are the five horses; egoism, cravings, likes and dislikes, lust jealousy, greed pride and hypocrisy and the host of other mental defilements are the hundred Kaurvas.” (p.25 Abdul Kalam, Arun Tiwari, Guiding Souls.) 

While in the field of the sciences, he seems to have seen this field as intimately connected with art, creativity, and imagination:  

   

“Science and spirituality are not antithesis but they are two wheels of the same cart or  they are two faces of the same coin” 

APJ Abdul Kalam was an epitome of both and will continue to inspire generations. 

  

Oil head bath and Nostalgia....

Oil head bath and Nostalgia....

Among the many luxuries for married Tamil girls visiting their maternal home is getting pampered by a traditional oil head bath, popularly known as "Ennai Techi Kuliyal".

As far as my memory goes my mother used to have the  traditional oil head bath on Fridays. Her head covered with the thin, soft white cotton towel to absorb the water after the bath made her look cosy and homely. My father and male members  used to have the oil bath on Saturday but when we were in school and college it was a part of our Sunday routine. 

I used to detest it as a child and wondered why we needed this routine. However there would be no escape.

Come Sunday my mother would heat sesame oil ( Til oil only as any other oil could never be considered) with black pepper and cloves. My sister and me would then be made to sit on a "palagai", wooden seat for the ritual. It would begin with a generous pouring of the spiced  warm til oil on our heads with a vigorous massage till the oil would drip down to our eyes and perhaps that is what I hated most. Our face, hands and legs would also be rubbed vigorously. We would be asked to soak ourselves in the oil for sometime before proceeding for a bath with "Shikapodi", Shaikakai or Acacia powder, specially powdered  and brought from Chennai. 

My sister who had longer and thicker hair and was susceptible to cold would get the additional luxury of fumes from sambrani powder kept below a straw basket for safety. 

I was able to understand and value the benefits of the traditional oil bath only after I became an adult. It realised that it not only improves one's skin and hair but also gave strength to the  body. 

Off late due to the busy lifestyle, modern hair products and other constraints such traditional luxuries are looked down upon or are limited and come up as an annual routine on Deepawali as the Ganga Snanam or Abhyanga Snanam. 

However every visit to my maternal home on vacation can never be complete without the traditional oil head bath.

I love it more when my "Athai" , paternal aunt pampers me with it. 

She has a special way of beginning the oil massage by remembering the Pancha Kanyas,  Ahalya, Draupadi, Sita,Tara, Mandodari. 

(The names of seven chiranjeevis , Ashwathama, Bali, Vyasa, Hanuman, Vibheeshana, Kripa and Parashurama are normally taken for the men.) 

Traditionally Saturdays and Fridays are considered particularly beneficial for the head oil bath for  males and females respectively.  Such a bath is cannot be taken on  Poornima, Full moon day and Amavasya, New Moon day and or on one’s Nakshatra. 

There are other restrictions too for I remember we would become extremely drowsy after the oil bath but were not allowed to sleep. 

On my visit to Bengaluru to meet Appa, my father, I happily got pampered with the luxurious head oil bath by my Athai who is also there. I felt nostalgic with the smell of Shikakai as I  dried my hair with the thin soft white cotton towel, another typically tamil trait which we learnt from our mother. 

The modern day shampoos and spa looked pale in comparison. 

Shiny skin, glossy lustrous hair and a cool mind after the "Ennai Techi Kuliyal". This is one tradition I hope to pass on to the next generation. 

Leading by Example : Mastaanbi

Chapter 6 Leading by example: Mastaanbi....

 Mastaanbi sat on the ground. She had come all the way to Mumbai with members of the Ekal Mahila Sanghatna carrying her one year old baby in arms for a morcha. She felt exhausted and sweaty in the humid heat of Mumbai. Their leader was raising slogans and appealing for justice for single women, a group which consists of separated, deserted, divorced and widowed women who are largely ignored. Mastaanbi had been separated from her husband and had joined the organisation recently. She was one among the few educated women in her village and had therefore been asked to join the morcha in Mumbai. Mastaanbi definitely had a spark in her or else she too wouldn’t have dared to come to Mumbai with her child. She was a ray of hope for women who had been deserted or ill-treated by their husbands as she had managed to get over her trauma and was leading a life of dignity.

Mastaanbi was the second daughter in the family of eight children. She was born into a poor Muslim family had four sisters and three brothers. It was a typically impoverished rural home with two hands to works and ten mouths to feed. Mastaanbi’s father struggled to make ends meet yet he ensured that his children went to school and were educated. Mastaanbi had completed her twelfth when her father decided to get her married as girls in conservative rural households rarely studied after that. Also getting her married would lessen the burden on the house. So he went ahead with a proposal received for Mastaanbi since the family was well-to-do even though the boy had not passed his middle school.

Mastaanbi was married as soon as she was eighteen. Her husband’s family was not as big as hers but he had three sisters and a brother. It was a joint family where she had to stay with her mother-in-law, father-in-law and her husband’s younger brother. His sisters had been married. Mastaanbi soon realized that her husband was a heavy drinker and did no work. The agricultural land they had was managed by her father-in-law and her brother-in-law. As a result Mastaanbi was also not respected.  

Mastaanbi’s day was busy with household chores throughout the day. She had to get up early and cook as her father-in-law left for the field early in the morning. Mastaanbi had to do the other things after that which included sweeping the house, washing clothes and utensils, feeding the goat. Her mother-in-law would help occasionally. Mastaanbi would feel very lonely and dejected. Her husband was of no support as he was lost in his world of drinking. He overslept on most days and would while away time even after he got up. One day Mastaanbi mustered enough courage to ask him why he did nothing. Infuriated by her insolence he beat her mercilessly. Getting beaten thereafter became a routine as her husband would come back drunk and beat her up on the slightest pretext. Mastaanbi looked to her in-laws for support in vain.

She chose to suffer in silence and not tell her parents as she was concerned about her younger sisters who were yet to be married. Her greatest fear was that they would not be able to get a suitable match if she went back to her parents. She therefore bore all the brutalities of her husband who behaved badly each day knowing fully well how helpless she was. This continued when Mastaanbi was pregnant also. Not much changed after their son was born. Despite becoming a father her husband never took over the responsibility of the family. His drinking bouts too did not reduce. The responsibilities on Mastaanbi however kept on increasing.

It was the festival of Ramzaan and Mastaanbi was resting after completing her work one day. She was fasting and would get more tired than usual. She had barely closed her eyes and laid down with her baby when her husband walked in abusing her of lazing and doing no work. He became violent and caught her by the hair. Mastaanbi managed to free herself and run out of the house. To her shock she was followed by her husband and his brother who started throwing bricks and stones at her. She was forced to return when they threatened to beat the child. Mastaanbi returned to be beaten black and blue and almost became unconscious with pain. When she recovered her sense she was unable to control herself from calling her parents who came immediately. When she said she wanted go with them her husband told her to leave with the child. Maastanbi left quietly deciding never to return.

 Her husband and in-laws realized their folly soon when they found it difficult to manage the house without her and so they went to her parent’s home to bring her back. They even threatened to burn her if she did not return. Mastaanbi was worried that her parents would send her back however good sense prevailed over them as they felt that sending her and the baby back was not without danger and refused to do so. That was the turning point in Mastaanbi’s life which ultimately led to her transformation.

Mastaanbi’s father passed way a few days after she returned to her maternal home. Initially her days were empty. She felt her life was full of sadness and wondered how she would manage to take good care of her son. One day representatives of Ekal Mahila Sanghatna, an organisation which works for single, deserted and separated women came to their village and conducted a meeting in which they invited all women. Mastaanbi attended it and was very impressed by their activities. She suddenly found hope because the organisation not only trained deserted and separated women but also helped them to start their businesses or get a job. They saw that Mastaanbi was an undergraduate and felt she had the potential to grow as a community resource person in the organisation but they wondered whether she would join since she was a Muslim. Mastaanbi sought permission to speak to her mother and other members of the family. She gave all details to her mother who was concerned what the members of the society would say. Mastaanbi was convinced that she would never get such a good opportunity again and told her mother that, “If we are good and have good things in mind then others too would be good.” To which her mother replied, “Then you decide what you want! It is your choice.”

Mastaanbi did not think twice and joined Ekal Mahila Sanghatna immediately. She had no experience of working but the organisation ensured that she was trained in all aspects and became confident to work for single women. They knew she had the qualities and capacity and groomed her in her work. They had noticed her spark as she had travelled all the way to Mumbai with a child in arms barely two months after joining the organisation.

Back from Mumbai she knew that despite being alone she was not alone any more as she had the support of such a strong organisation. Earlier she would be afraid to step out of her home specially since she was a Muslim but she didn’t feel afraid any more. What gave her great satisfaction was the fact that she was working for the poor and needy women like herself and giving them support. Earlier she would feel her life was terrible but the woes of other women aroused her empathy and she felt happy that she was educated so could find a way out. The reactions of the people or what they said also did not affect her any more.

Her confidence to speak with higher ups and officials is something which made her smile as she could see herself having changed from one who was scared to meet officers or other authorities to one who leads a morcha. She was more like an idol who was looked up to by many other women for inspiration now. She knew that had she remained at home she would never have become what she was now. The organisation pays her an honorarium of Rs.6000/-and she also sells bangles in her free time thus earning Rs.6000/-additionally. Her son and brothers were therefore getting all the support they need. She dreamt of them doing well and settling well in jobs. She stood rock solid as a support for one of her sisters who also had to separate due to her abusive husband because she knew what it was to suffer and did not want her sister to suffer like that. In fact Mastaanbi became the hope for all separated women in her village.

She got a ration card made in her name but has been smart in kept her son’s name in his father’s ration card as she is aware of property rights and did not want her son to be deprived of his inheritance and legal rights. She has even filed an FIR to ensure that his rights are protected.

Her husband had married again but his second wife left him too because of his habits. Thereafter he came to take Mastaanbi back but she refused not only him but also the Sarpanch who had come to mediate on behalf of her husband. “Where were you, when I was suffering and asking for help?” “Why have you come now?” she questioned defiantly.

Of course her day is challenging as she has to leave in the morning on field trips. Each day she visits homes in the villages which have been allocated to her and offers support to single women who are deserted, separated, divorced or widowed. Her main task is to counsel them and guide them, help them in making their case, informing them about government schemes, getting them and their children admitted to schools and support them in any other way they want.

She is able to manage because her mother takes care of the house and her son and also makes her tiffin. Each day she leaves at 7 a.m. with her water bottle, tiffin and umbrella. At times her friends give her food. She travels by bus or three wheeler and returns home by six in the evening. She has been doing this for three years and is happy that she got this opportunity. She is satisfied but clearly says that “What happened with me, should not happen to anyone else.” Thank you Ekal Mahila Sanghatana.

 

 

Home Guard Chanda....

Home Guard Chanda…. (Names changed to protect identity)

Chanda gave herself one last look in the mirror as she stepped out of her home for duty. She always felt a sense of pride whenever she wore the uniform. She had been working as a Home Guard for the last eight years and loved being in the service to the nation.  She felt that her life had a purpose now. Gone were her days of suffering and torture and the experience of hell on earth.

It was almost fifteen years since she had come back to her parent’s home after a tumultuous marriage. Her heart shuddered to think of all that she had been through in the eight months she had tried to adjust with her husband. Barely out of her teens and being the only daughter she had been used to getting pampered by her parents. Her marriage had forced her out of her comfort zone. She had to make an effort to adjust to the new surroundings at her husband’s home. This included cooking, cleaning, washing clothes and utensils and doing other things in the house. She also had to take care of her in-laws. She had learnt to all the tasks quickly so much so that her mother was shocked by her dexterity when she visited her. “Chanda, you have changed so much! I never imagined you will be able to manage the house so well!” “Look at house!” She proudly said to her husband.

Yet their joys were short-lived Chanda’s husband was a drunkard. He had limited his drinks after his marriage but as things settled within a month he went back to his own ways and often came home heavily drunk. He would then pick faults in Chanda, her cooking, her looks or any little thing and abuse her physically and verbally. He would beat her mercilessly every night. Chanda expected her in-laws to come to her rescue but they would avoid helping her by saying that it was a matter between the husband and wife. Unable to bear the physical brutality Chanda ran off to her parent’s home one day. They took care of her and nursed her wounds but once she had recovered they counselled her to compromise and return to her husband’s place. Like all parents they hoped that their daughter’s marriage should be a success. “I don’t want to go. I feel humiliated when my husband beats me!” cried Chanda. Yet her parents insisted that it was just two months since she was married and she must try to reason with him. Having no choice Chanda had returned much against her will.

Life did not change much for Chanda after her return even though she was vocal about her feelings with her husband. This often filled her with an emptiness and thoughts about being a daughter, moving into another home, making adjustments all the time yet finding no joy. She wondered at the helplessness of being a woman especially when the drunken bouts of her husband increased and when she was beaten up on the smallest pretext. Escaping to her parents place became a routine but each time she would return on her parent’s insistence even though her husband never went to take her or asked her to return.

One night it was raining heavily, there was a thunderstorm. It was pitch dark and Chanda was waiting for her husband to come home. The doctor at the primary health care centre had told her that she was pregnant and Chanda hoped that this news would transform her husband. She kept waiting eagerly for her husband who had left in the evening to meet a friend. Chanda wondered where he must have gone when she heard him entering their home in a belligerent state. He was fully drunk and went to attack Chanda. She tried telling him that she was expecting but it fell on deaf ears. He continued to scream and tried to beat her. She managed to escape and called her parents saying it was impossible to continue living with her husband due to the persistent ill-treatment meted out by him more so now that she was pregnant. Her parents realized that the safety and security of their daughter was more important and finally took her to their home. That was the last she saw of her husband who never came to take her back.

However life wasn’t easy for a woman who was pregnant and had a broken marriage. Day in and out she had to receive unsolicited advice or face several comments in hushed tones. Her parents would feel very bad to see her suffer. There was very little they could do except provide her mental support.

One day she saw a few ladies in the village forming a group and conducting a meeting. On asking what they were doing she was told that the staff of MAVIM, Maharashtra Arthik Vikas Mahamandal, an organization of the Government of Maharashtra was supporting women in becoming self-sufficient with the help of various activities through self-help groups. All that was required was a savings of Rs. 200 a month, regular attendance in the meetings. She promptly joined the group and started participating proactively in it. Soon she started managing the book-keeping activities and taking care of the accounts as she has studied up to 12th grade. She was offered the position of a Sanghatika, Group Manager due to her knowledge and efficiency. There was no looking back for Chanda after that. Chanda had delivered a baby girl but she was able to take part in all activities of the group due to her mother’s support. She received training in sustainable agriculture and was eager to put it into practice. Her father readily permitted her to experiment on his fields. Chanda took a loan of Rs.One lakh form the District Co-operative Bank and used the practices taught to her at MAVIM as she sowed soya bean, rice and tur. She was able to reap a rich harvest and repay the loan. She continued with her farm activities and made good profits. Her parents felt happy to see her gain knowledge and respect.

One day a few ladies from the group told her about an advertisement for selection as Home Guard. Home Guards serve as auxiliary force to the police in maintenance of internal security situations. They normally help the community during emergencies like fire, cyclones, earthquakes or epidemics. They are specially trained for helping in maintenance of essential services, for promoting communal harmony and assisting the administration in protecting weaker sections. They are recruited from all classes of people from amongst those who are willing to devote their time to the organisation for betterment of services. They are provided with uniforms and allowances while on duty.

Chanda’s mind was fired with a desire to join the forces. She spoke to her parents about making an attempt and trying for the selection but they were skeptical. Chanda explained to them about the work and the wonderful opportunity she would get to work for the society and they ultimately concede. Chanda promptly applied for the post and started preparing for it since she knew that the selection process would be very tough as it included an exam and a physical endurance test with running of 800 metres. Chanda was not sure whether she would be able to withstand the test. She had practiced no doubts but she still felt unsure. To her utter joy and disbelief she cleared all the tests and was selected as a Home Guard.

She was asked to join soon and was given a uniform. Her parents were overwhelmed with joy on seeing her in uniform. It was almost a vindication of all the trauma and tragedy faced by Chanda in her failed marriage. They took great pride in all the duties Chanda was allocated. These included security or patrolling during festivals and important occasions like election. At times she would be posted outside banks or government offices.

Chanda would get an honorarium whenever she was on duty and that added to her financial independence. She was of course earning well through agriculture. She felt happy because it was possible for her to enroll her daughter in a better school. Of course her days were very busy ever since she had been called on duty during the Covid 19 pandemic. But she felt satisfied when she was called for police bandobast at points near banks, government offices and even for distributing ration to the affected families.  Though her parents would worry about her health she helped the administration in spreading awareness about Covid and the preventive measures to be taken by women and their families. She took good care of herself, kept herself protected and also maintained social distance. Being a woman she automatically set a good example to other women in the village.

Chanda is happy and content today and extremely proud of herself as she states that, “Be it the current pandemic or any other natural calamity, Home Guards are always ready to serve the society and we follow the police’s orders.” She also adds that through her duty, she is also engaged in social work and is happy that she is able to help people in need. Of course she says she owes it all to her parents and MAVIM which enabled her to transform and lead a new life. There are times when she feels emotional or vulnerable but her uniform and her daughter inspire her. With them by her side she knows there is no stopping. 

Surekha's Dignity....

Chapter 4

Surekha’s dignity…..

She had just returned after working for five grueling hours in the sun on the landowner’s field. She unlocked the house and pushed open the door. It was a lonely existence. She took a few sips of some cool water from the earthen pot kept on the window sill. Her parched throat was asking for more. Wiping the sweat from her face absentmindedly with her saree pallu Surekha looked exhausted. She walked towards the kitchen and looked at the dry bhakris and chutney she had made in the morning. She ate that on most days and as she placed them on the stainless steel plate today, she let out a sigh. The little hut she lived in had a small room in the front which doubled up as her living room cum sleeping place. There was a small kitchen with a ‘mori’, bathing space inside. She was a part of the self-help group and had got a loan to make a toilet just outside her house. She was happy to be part of the group as it gave her an identity. She would participate actively in the group activities as they would be a change for her tiring day. The interactions with the women would be a respite to her lonesome life. However on most days she worked on the field and had lunch after she came home like she was doing today. She sat on the floor of the small room and had barely eaten the first morsel when her daughter, Pramila rushed in. 

“What happened? Why have you come so hurriedly in this afternoon heat?”  Surekha asked. Pramila said, “ I will tell you, finish eating first.” Surekha ate the bhakris with chutney drank some water and washed her hands. “Tell me .” she said again. Pramila said that there was some emergency at her father’s home and they had to go there. Surekha’s face fell as she had no desire to go to her husband’s place. It was decades since she had left from there and had begun staying with her parents and after their death she had shifted to this house. She was already exhausted after working in the field and did not want to walk in the sun to her husband’s place which was at a walking distance of almost thirty minutes. “ First tell me the reason, what is the urgency? She said. Pramila looked at her wondering how to break the news of Anil’s death to her mother. She finally took a deep breath and declared, “Anil is no more. He passed away an hour ago. Our father had called to convey the news. “ Surekha’s face bore no expression. Anil was her second son who was born with mental deficiencies. He grew up to be a slow learner and eventually dropped out of school and remained mentally challenged. Surekha had tried her best to educate him at the special school but had ultimately left him behind at her husband’s place when she came to stay with her parents.  She was engulfed by guilt and a sudden sense of sadness. Had she done the right thing by leaving her children with her husband when she had walked out? 

Surekha was the only daughter to her parents who had two sons. Her father believed in educating his children and settling them with jobs. His sons completed their graduation and got absorbed in good jobs in the local companies. Surekha was not keen on studying and would constantly run away from school. Her parents tried their best to convince her but Surekha could not even clear ninth grade due to her disinterest in studies. Her father therefore thought it best to get her married. He felt he had found a good match for Surekha in Ganpat. Though it was a big family of five daughters and two sons , Ganpat’s father had a lot of land and Surekha’s father felt that she would be happy. So though Ganpat was a bit older to Surekha he went ahead with the proposal and got them married. Surekha was not very keen but her mother reassured her that this was the best since she did not want to study. She was barely eighteen and her husband was almost thirty. So Surekha had married much against her will. 

Ganpat’s family was warm and forthcoming. His parents took good care of Surekha. He had one brother who was working and stayed separately but he was extremely friendly to Surekha whenever he visited. Ganpat’s sisters were also very affectionate. But things were different when it came to Ganpat. He was neither friendly nor forthcoming and was more self-restrained and uncommunicative. Surekha who was bubbly and full of life found it difficult to get along with him. The age gap also widened their difference and often Surekha would feel lost when Ganpat was around. She related more to other members of the family who she felt understood her better. Two of her sisters-in-law were unmarried as they were twenty and eighteen and gave her good company. However they got married and left to their marital homes and Surekha felt isolated and lonely. She also resented the fact that Ganpat never took her out and neither bought her any gifts nor a single saree. She felt that it was his duty to take her out to the garden, spend time with her and make her feel special but Ganpat was too matter-of-fact and did not understand such things. She would often end up arguing with Ganpat over these issues which were close to her heart. Their tiffs would be resolved by his mother who believed that everything would be alright when their child would be born. 

Surekha did bear three children, one girl and two boys and unfortunately one of the boys was mentally challenged.  Surekha was barely out of her teens and raising three children was a big challenge for her. Though her mother-in-law managed the house and the cooking Surekha had to help in the house. Taking care of a mentally challenged child drained her. Ganpat gave her no physical or moral support and she hated that the most. She felt that they were reasonably well-off to have a good life and a living but Ganpat differed from here and felt such expenses were futile. When differences grew beyond control and Ganpat started abusing her physically she initially confided in her mother-in-law and sisters-in-law who tried to reason with Ganpat. However controlling his violence when he was drunk and frustrated was difficult. One day under the influence of alcohol he hit her violently so she felt that “enough is enough” and walked off to her parents house in the middle of the night. She never went back to him thereafter. She had taken only her daughter with her and left behind the sons because they were the legal heir to his property and she did not want them to lose that. Her parents took care of her and Pramila. Her brothers did come over to meet her on Raksha Bandhan and Bhaubeej but did nothing beyond that. They stayed near their place of work and came occasionally to meet their parents. Each time they came, their parents would talk about Surekha’s security. Her brothers felt she wanted a share in the property and became wary. Both the brothers came together one day and made it clear that the father’s property belonged to them. Their parents were disturbed with the unpleasant conversation. 

Pramila had completed her schooling and was going to college. Surekha’s parents worried about her future. They tried to convince Surekha to compromise with her husband to no avail. They secretly met Ganpat and his parents suggesting Pramila was of marriageable age and should be married. A good match was found for Surekha and she was settled soon. Despite that Surekha could not reconcile with her husband and continued to stay with her parents till they lived. Her brothers did not allow her to stay in the ancestral house once they died and she had shifted to the hutment where she was staying. 

A light touch on her hands by Pramila brought her back to reality and the fact that her son Anil was no more. With tears in her eyes, she hurriedly said, “Let’s go!” All family members had come to Ganpat’s place and the mood was sombre. Sensing her gullibility, her elder son Ram and her daughter Pramila stood by her. She went through the rituals perfunctorily. Her eyes rested on Ganpat occasionally , who looked well-groomed after a recent windfall. Their land had been acquired for an important infrastructure project in lieu of which he had got good money. Their house was also a three floor structure now with a floor each for his parents, himself and his son, Ram who was married. Surekha was emotionless and unconcerned. She felt that her prime years had been lost in abuse and dreaming of creature comforts. These things hardly mattered to her now as her young heart had numbed to live a life without expectations. She touched her mother-in-laws hands lightly, bowed to her and Ganpat’s sister’s and slipped out quietly.

Pramila ran out holding on to her sobbing uncontrollably her eyes pleading to stay back but Surekha kept walking her head held high. Ganpat’s house may have got a facelift but his body language suggested he didn’t seem to have changed much. She had also heard some talk about him seeing another woman. It would be too much to go through all that now.  “Let me go !” She said to Pramila, “ I am happy with my  dignity.” 

P.S. Names changed to protect identity 

Monsoon magic....

Monsoon Magic....

It had been raining all day. I looked out of the window wistfully, pitter patter rain drops falling on the leaves, splashing on the ground playfully. They mingled with the water in the puddle and my thoughts, taking me back to my childhood.
Rainy season was always fun with water collecting in our compound where we ran nonchalantly playing in the muddy water, floating paper boats. Catching droplets in our hands or opening our mouths to swallow them was a favourite. Amma's eyes would be reproachful and her stern voice would forbid us at times but I would slip away with my friends once she turned the other way.  It was only when our throats were sore with singing and screaming and our legs heavy as lead after playing in the rain water we would go back home.
A hot bath and the lovely ginger tea thereafter made by Amma were like antidotes to catching a cold.  Rubbing my wet hair vigorously with the Malayali towel which absorbed the water, Amma would warn me that this would be the last time I did that. I also would nod my head dutifully to get over the shouting knowing fully well that the scene would be repeated with every downpour. At times we would race of on our cycles trying to beat the rain. 
It was impossible to get drenched unabashedly after we vacated the bungalow on my father's retirement.
There were rare occassions during my stay at the Pune University hostel when the girls would venture out into the rains.
However I relived the passion of the monsoons during my probation in Sindhudurg where monsoons were a treat. The wild cloudbursts would fill my heart with joy and I would playfully run out in the rain. Goa was near too and umpteen times I converted the fable of Goa in rains into a reality.
I relieved the child like glee with my son at times in the RCF Bungalow  allocated to my brother.
Yet getting drenched in the monsoon is something I can never get over. Today's downpour filled me with a desire to tread on the trodden path.
I ventured out gingerly with an umbrella over my head and the rain drops making a familiar sound. The roads had a washed looked without the obnoxious spit marks. The leaves in different hues were holding on to the silvery drops. The  cool breeze was refreshing and a great delight. As I stepped into the puddle and jumped over with joy I felt one with nature and so full of life.

Radha's Story : A real life saga

 

Radha’s Story….

 “ Radha….Raadhaaa….”, she could hear her father calling out to her loudly, his tone conveying anger and annoyance. Radha hid behind her mother imploring with her eyes to intervene. Her body was quivering with fear more so when she heard him say, “How could she do this? She is bringing so much dishonour to me and the family. I just cannot agree to this proposal. My self-respect is at stake.”

Radha’s mother Sita stood quietly. In all these years of her marriage to Prakash she knew that staying calm was the best solution. She had asked Radha also not to utter a word. She would speak to him after he had vented his feelings. It was natural for him to be agitated as Radha had made her own decision to marry Gaurav. The community to which they belonged was conservative and marriages of their children especially girls were finalised by the parents. And here Radha was in love with Gaurav and wanted to marry him. Tolerating Radha’s brazenness was difficult for Prakash. Her mother tried her best to explain to him that times were changing but he was adamant. The tension in the house was palpable. Radha was not allowed to go to college and was sulking at home. She kept looking at her mother with pleading eyes but Sita chose to be unresponsive.

Radha was the eldest daughter of Sita and Prakash who had another son and daughter. Radha was a favourite as she was good in her studies and quick in her work at home and also was very idealistic. When she was about eleven she would regularly watch a television serial which had a tribal lady officer as the protagonist. Radha would be inspired looking at her struggles and her dynamism. “I want to be like her, Baba and do something for the society”, she said. Her father felt proud that she had dreams of achieving something in life. He encouraged her to study and she also devoted a lot of time to it. Radha was therefore not the usual village girl as she did not dream of being a teacher or a beautician like other village girls but was keen to work for the welfare of the society. Her parents wondered what attracted her to Gaurav. She was in the second year of her college and he had not studied after his higher secondary. However he started working as an exporter and dealt with three districts of Pune, Satara, Solapur and was making good money. Since they were from the same town they used to bump into each other. They became friends and started meeting and before long both were head over heels in love with each other. Marriages in India are confined to communities and fortunately Radha and Gaurav belonged to the same community yet her father felt shameful that she had chosen her own life partner. His pride was wounded as he was well-known in political circles. Sita had a tough time in convincing him.

At Gaurav’s place too things were not very smooth. He had four sisters and a brother. His parents were not very happy with his decision but it was his brother Saurav who was unhappiest with Gaurav’s decision to marry Radha. He wanted a girl from a well-to-do family for Gaurav so along with his wife he tried his best to dissuade him but Gaurav was firm. “If you want me to marry then I shall marry Radha only”, he said and ultimately convinced his parents to meet Radha’s parents and ask for her hand for him.

Gaurav’s parents came to meet Radha’s parents along with her uncle and aunt who helped in mediation. Her father finally conceded after a lot of convincing. The wedding took place with great pomp with all family members including Gaurav’s brother, his wife, their four sisters and their family.

Gaurav’s family was a typically Indian joint family but soon after his marriage, Saurav insisted that he and Radha stay separately in another home. Gaurav had to be out for most days of the month due to his job as an exporter. Radha found it difficult to manage the home by herself. She was not supported by her in-laws or Saurav and his wife. In fact they tried to cause a rift between them both over petty issues in the family. Her mother-in-law was old fashioned and expected Radha to be confined to the house. Radha had given up her studies and was fully devoted to her home. She managed the house, cooked and took care of everything. Yet there were constant complaints that she did nothing. She was also forced to keep her saree pallu on her head constantly. Radha tolerated all this since marrying Gaurav had been her decision. However she felt stifled without any freedom. Within three months of her marriage she realised that she was lost and unhappy in her marriage.

“I am doing all that is possible to make you happy. I get up early, clean the house, cook, wash clothes and utensils. I maintain good relations with your parents, brother and family and mingle with them. What more do you expect? “She asked Gaurav. She tried to reason with him however he also seemed to be different from what he was before their wedding. He would barely have any time to speak to her. He also started consuming alcohol and abusing Radha physically and verbally but she felt worse when she was viewed suspiciously. He felt that she was easy with other men and was not allowed to step out of home, she could not meet anybody nor was anyone allowed to visit their house. One day Gaurav without any thought resigned from his job. “Why did you leave the job?” asked Radha and he vaguely replied that he would search for a job nearby but getting re-employed was not easy. Being jobless and at home all day he was more frustrated. He spent most of his time drinking and became more violent. Radha was in a predicament but she could not share her troubles with her family as she had chosen to marry Gaurav. Her mother noticed that she wasn’t her bubbly self and realised that she was unhappy. “What is the matter Radha? You don’t seem to be happy”, she said one day.   Radha said nothing as she felt embarrassed to say that she had made a wrong choice.  She hoped things would improve and pulled on with their marriage.

During the festival season Radha decided to groom herself and got her eyebrows shaped from the beauty parlour. Gaurav was furious, “What have you done? Why did you this without asking me?” he screamed, beating her violently. Radha wailed in pain and lost consciousness with his constant beating. Gaurav ignored her and continued with his drinking. On gaining consciousness she felt trapped and was overcome with sorrow. She had been seeing a doctor who had prescribed sleeping pills unable to control her grief she took an overdose of pills. Gaurav panicked and rushed her to the hospital where she was admitted. Her parents and in-laws came immediately. Her mother stood by her and stayed with her in the hospital giving her the moral support.

“I don’t want to stay with Gaurav! Please take me with you.” Radha sobbed uncontrollably. Her mother consoled her and said, “Don’t worry! Get well soon, we will take you home.” On discharge from the hospital, Radha went to her parents’ home. Her parents, brother and sister cheered her up and made her feel better. She felt so much at home and at peace. “Thank you aai, for bringing me here.” she said one morning. Sita smiled back and sat down besides her saying that she wanted to speak to her. More than a month had passed since Radha had come to stay with them. As a practice married girls would not stay for such long periods in their maternal home. It was difficult to hold back the gossip and the comments about Radha not going back to her husband’s place. “After all that is where she belonged!” they said.  Sita was hesitant to broach the topic but finally said to Radha, “I can understand you have been through a lot but a wife’s place is with the husband.” Radha was upset but was not prepared to go back and said, “I don’t want to go”. Her mother tried convincing her by saying that maybe having a child would cement the relationship. Radha was overcome by a feeling of hopelessness, she didn’t want to go back but she knew that staying back for more time would be difficult. She pleaded to her parents that as an adequate precaution Gaurav should be asked to commit good behaviour on oath in front of a magistrate. She felt that swearing him on good behaviour was her only hope. Gaurav conceded to it because he also wanted her back and therefore he readily took oath of good behaviour in the magistrate’s court. Radha went back with Gaurav. He had managed to find a new job and though the salary was not very high it helped them survive. Radha too settled back again and continued with her routine. She became pregnant soon thereafter. Things were under control for just a few days after which Gaurav started misbehaving again with Radha even though she was pregnant. He felt he was not being respected and was constantly irritated. He picked quarrels with Radha on little issues and went back to his old ways. Radha was unable to understand the reason for his indifferent behaviour. ‘’This is such an important phase in our life, soon our child will be born. Let us work on our relationship”, she pleaded. Her requests fell on deaf ears. Radha continued to bear with his bad behaviour till it was time for her delivery. As is the norm in Indian homes, her parents came to take her to their place for the delivery and Radha was really relived. Her days and nights became peaceful and she also received a lot of her care from her mother.

“I am so grateful to you, aai” she said one morning. Eight months of my pregnancy went by without anyone taking care of me. Wouldn’t you say, that husbands and their family pamper girls and make them feel very special in their first pregnancy? No one bothered to even think of my comforts. I cannot believe yet that my husband tortured me so much in this important phase of our lives.” Sita held her hand and comforted her. “Be happy, now that you are here. Things will be alright. Once your baby is born everything will be fine. Just wait and see.” she said. Radha smiled back at her mother and but her heart cringed thinking of Gaurav. Would their baby really make any difference to their relationship?

Gaurav used to visit her occasionally at her mother’s place and Radha found herself becoming distant from him. She neither looked forward to him nor his visits. She found solace in the company of her parents and her brother. Soon she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Her parents were excited to become grandparents. Gaurav and his parents also came for the naming ceremony and the celebrations. Gaurav had re-joined work as an exporter in the company he worked for before. Radha continued to stay for a couple of months with her parents but her peace would be shattered whenever Gaurav visited her because they would always end up arguing. Sita tried to make them both reason without much success.

Surprisingly, Saurav and his wife came to their rescue by offering to take Radha, Gaurav and the baby to their home. Radha went with great hesitation. Gaurav used to be away on work and Radha managed well at his brother’s place except when he came home. The quarrels would start then leading to a lot of unpleasantness. Just one month after they went to stay at Saurav’s place the whole family was upset with the fights between Radha and Gaurav. They felt it was affecting their family and advised them to go their own way. Gaurav and Radha had to search for a place and shift with their baby. Things became worse thereafter when Gaurav started drinking heavily and beating her without reason. One day in his inebriated state he beat Radha mercilessly and also started beating their daughter who was barely six months. It was a great shock for Radha. Tiil now she had borne all the sufferings and pain in silence she felt horrified to see the pain inflicted on her innocent baby. “Enough is enough!” she said and walked out of their home with her baby.

It was middle of the night when she stepped out of their home with the baby in her arms. It was dark except for the moon and twinkling stars in the sky. The darkness of the night symbolised the state of her mind. Her mind was flooded with emotions, the humiliation by her husband, his insensitivity towards their child, the reaction of her parents when she would reach their place at night. The walk to her parents’ house from her marital home was about twenty minutes. She walked hurriedly almost running at times as if chased by the demons of sorrow. She rang the doorbell of her parents’ home with shivering hands. She waited with baited breath for the door to open. It was her father who opened it as expected and was shocked to see her in a dishevelled state. “What happened?” he asked. Radha burst into tears. Hearing her cries her mother rushed out wondering what was happening. Radha handed over her daughter to her and sobbed uncontrollably. Her mother tried to console her and ask what happened but Radha was in no state to share her grief. She kept crying till she was finally overcome by sleep.

Sita and Prakash waited till morning to hear from their daughter about what had transpired the previous night. Radha narrated all that had happened and also told them about her decision to never go back. “It is a question of my self-respect” she said. She was afraid that once again they would counsel her about going back to her husband but her trauma was visible to her parents. They also could not tolerate the thought of Gaurav causing harm to an innocent infant. They felt Radha had taken the right decision and supported her wholeheartedly.

Of course her in-laws and Gaurav were alarmed at her decision, came to meet her and tried to persuade her to return but Radha was firm in her decision and did not go back.  Her immediate concern was to become financially independent. She did not want to be a burden on her parents. She had not completed her graduation after marriage. She set out to re-register herself for graduation. At the same time she started looking out for jobs. She was employed immediately by a small firm as a lady security guard. Luckily for her soon there was an opening for a better job in a dairy industry and she managed to get a job there with an increase in her salary. She had managed to complete her graduation while working but realised that the jobs she was getting were not satisfactory. She felt that she would not be able to do full justice to her daughter’s upbringing unless she had a better job. However without a professional degree it was impossible for her to get a good position. Her desire to do something for society was still there in her mind.

One day during lunch she broached the topic with her parents. “Aai, Baba I have completed my graduation but I will not be able to get a good job with this. A Master’s degree in Social Work would give me better opportunities and would also help me do something for the society. However I will have to go to study at Ahmednagar and also not be able to take my daughter with me.” Her mother immediately offered to take care of her daughter. They even agreed to support her financially in her studies. Radha got admission in MSW and completed it with a first class. Within no time she was  offered a job as a CSR executive in Dairy industry she had been working. There was big jump in her salary and she was also able to work for a social cause of upliftment of women. The work gave her great satisfaction. Within a year there was a vacancy in a government organisation. Radha applied for it appeared for the competitive exam and interview and was selected. Her joy knew no bounds. Her parents also felt very satisfied that she had joined a prestigious organisation.

 Gaurav did make an effort to patch up and pleaded her to come back but Radha had found her calling. She had a job where she could work for the welfare of women. From being a victim she had moved on and become a victor. She did not want to lose her self-respect and dignity again. She had filed a case for maintenance in the court but the matter kept getting adjourned. Radha would feel very depressed on every hearing. Her family felt she should at least get financial support for their daughter from Gaurav but after getting a good job she felt it was futile to ask for money and pursue a matter which had been pending for so many years. She stopped going to the court. She ensured that her daughter was admitted to a good school.

She feels indebted to her parents who supported her wholeheartedly despite the fact that her wrong choice in marriage had been the cause of so much concern. Her world centres around them as without their support it would have been impossible to put her derailed life on track. Of course she also has become the most important part of the family. Her brother also gave her good moral and mental support. No decisions are taken without discussing with her and many times her decision is final. Her parents are concerned that she is young and has to live a long life ahead and therefore suggested she remarry. Initially Radha did give it a thought but the proposed boys expected her to leave her daughter which was impossible for her. Also her parents are getting old and she feels responsible towards them. They had stood by her in her most difficult times and getting married again would separate her from them. She has therefore chosen to be single and work devotedly for the cause of women. She feels that every cloud has a silver lining, if not for her failed marriage she wouldn’t have been where she was.

P.S. Names changed to protect identity