The Bane of Comparison: Measuring Life with the Wrong Scale

The Bane of Comparison: Measuring Life with the Wrong Scale

"Look at him." "Look at her." "Look at X's daughter, she scored excellent marks and got admission into a premier institution. And look at you!"

These conversations have echoed through many  homes for generations. Parents often compare their children believing it will motivate them to work harder. Sometimes it does. But very often, comparison leaves behind invisible scars of inadequacy, resentment and the lifelong feeling of never being enough.

The truth is that every child is unique. We differ in temperament, talents, interests, opportunities and circumstances. Expecting identical outcomes is like expecting every seed in a garden to grow into the same tree.

I often reflect on my own childhood with gratitude. We were four siblings, raised in a simple middle-class family. Yet there was never any pressure to become like one another.

One sibling studied engineering at a premier institution and went on to become a technocrat. Another graduated in Mathematics and built a successful career in banking. A third pursued postgraduate studies in Physics and became a scientist. As for me, despite science being the the most sought after course, my heart was drawn towards the Arts. My parents respected that choice. I studied History, entered the civil services and eventually became an IAS officer.

Our journeys could not have been more different, yet each was equally meaningful. There was no race within the family, no unhealthy comparison, and no expectation that one path was superior to another. There was only one expectation that each of us should work sincerely and give our very best in the field we had chosen.

Looking back, I realise that this freedom was one of the greatest gifts our parents gave us. They did not try to create four identical success stories. They allowed four different individuals to discover their own purpose.

This does not mean comparison has no place in life. As someone rightly observed, "Comparison is useful as a point and destructive as a loop." At times a comparison can help us identify a gap in our approach or preparation. It can inspire us to improve. But when comparison becomes a permanent habit or a source of naggingp, it traps us in a cycle of envy, frustration and disappointment. Our attention shifts from what we can control to what we cannot.

The French political philosopher Montesquieu understood this centuries ago when he wrote:

"If you only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are."

His words seems to be relevant even today.

Our unhappiness often arises not because we lack something, but because someone else appears to have more. We end up comparing our  struggles with someone else's visible success which often get flashed on social media leading us to a psychological crisis. Every scroll presents smiling faces, promotions, vacations, awards, perfect families and seemingly flawless lives. The sleepless nights, disappointments, financial worries, health challenges or personal struggles behind those moments are rarely seen.

Psychologists call this relative deprivation, the feeling that we are somehow falling behind simply because someone else appears to be ahead of us. We compare our ordinary days with someone else's extraordinary moments. It is hardly surprising that anxiety, low self-esteem and dissatisfaction are on the rise.

As children, many of us may remember the famous Rin detergent advertisement that asked:

"भला उसकी साड़ी मेरी साड़ी से सफ़ेद कैसी?"

As an advertisement it was clever because it was only about clothes. Detergent could probably make one sari appear whiter than another.

But life is not a sari. There is no detergent that can make one life "better" than another. Every life carries its own stains, struggles and strengths.

What we do possess, however, is something far more powerful, our own inner resources. Discipline, perseverance, resilience, honesty, compassion and continuous learning which can be the detergents of our life. They can help us to  become a better version of ourselves, not a copy of someone else.

The Bhagavad Gita offers it's timeless wisdom on this subject also. Lord Krishna tells Arjuna:

"श्रेयान् स्वधर्मो विगुणः परधर्मात् स्वनुष्ठितात्।" (Bhagavad Gita 3.35)

"It is better to perform one's own duty, even imperfectly, than to perform another's perfectly."

How important this thought is! We are not asked to imitate another's journey but to discover our own and fulfil it.

Perhaps we can all cultivate a few simple habits. Reduce exposure to people or platforms that trigger unhealthy comparison. Celebrate small personal victories. Measure your progress against your own past rather than someone else's present. At the end of each day, ask not, "Was I better than others?" but "Did I become a little better than what I was yesterday?"

Comparison will always exist. Human beings naturally observe one another. The question is whether comparison becomes a stepping stone for learning or a prison that steals our peace.

Learn from others. Admire excellence. Draw inspiration from success. But never measure the worth of your life using someone else's scale.

The greatest lesson my parents unknowingly taught us was that success is not about becoming like someone else. It is about becoming the finest version of yourself.

After all, what really matters is not whether we are better than others, but whether we have given our best to the situation in which life has placed us.

R. Vimala, IAS Retd.  

Maharashtra Cadre, 2009 Batch

Former Resident Commissioner & Secretary, Government of Maharashtra

Founder, AnirvedShakti Foundation

PhD Research Scholar, Centre for Policy Studies, IIT Bombay