It's four years since Amma passed away and one forty-nine days since I wrote my last blog. That too was a rehash of an assignment I had submitted for my PhD course work.
I remember my days of anguish after Amma's sudden demise. Though she was an octogenarian and had spells of illness she was quite well before she passed away suddenly. In fact she had chosen to go to Hyderabad to my sister's place for a change of place. The sudden turn of events after she got fever leading to multiple organ failure thereafter left us all in the cold. Just a week after that she was no more.
It took me about a fortnight to come to terms with the fact that indeed she was no more.
Adjusting to a life without her took much more time. I could neither speak nor be coherent in my thoughts and of course many of my nights were devoid of sleep.
In contrast, Amma had always been a non-nonsense person who believed in facing life's challenges come what may. Emotionally she was not only strong but always in control. No wonder she managed all of us so perfectly.
In my heart I knew that she would have never appreciated me being lost and forlorn. I started thinking of ways and means to overcome my grief and sleeplessness. It was then that I started to blog and blogging was one of the methods I used to channelise my thoughts and overcome my grief.
My blogs became my companions leading me from negativity to positivity through my newly found creativity.
A couple of minutes at home or even in an aircraft were sufficient for me to pen down my thoughts. Soon writing about each little experience became a practice and more like a habit.
I would derive great happiness and satisfaction through my blogs so much so that it got transformed into a commitment. No week went by without a blog , at times I even wrote two.
And then suddenly started losing rhythm about a year ago and my blogs became few and irregular. Initially I made excuses to myself for not writing. Sometimes it was procrastination, sometimes sheer laziness, sometimes no desire or listlessness. Soon I gave up my habit of writing and blogging regularly.
I did write once in a blue moon but it gave me no pleasure. And then I not only stopped blogging but also started making excuses for my inability to write.
Before long I was trapped in feelings of self-pity and a victim of my own mentality. I actually gave up on what I had put in so much effort for so easily.
Many of us are like that and we lose our passion easily. A verse in the Bhagawat Gita says that our mind is undoubtedly restless and difficult to curb however repeated practice will help us to control our thoughts and emotions.
This was Lord Krishna's biggest lesson to Arjun. He also said that we ourselves are the cause and solution for our problems and we need to look in before blaming others.
In His words , "For him who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends; but for one who has failed to do so, his mind will remain the greatest enemy.”
So who we are, what we do or achieve, how we manage our lives depends solely on us.
Ultimately what matters is one's hard work and commitment.
This morning as I remembered our mother on her fourth death anniversary I remembered my first blog and the commitment I had made. I lost no time in setting out to write.
I hope my rediscovered passion to blog is not hampered by any more breaks and my commitment to all causes in my life never gets diluted. What better tribute to Amma and her commitment to our upbringing !
